It's A Conversation I Just Can't Have Tonight
by poisonivy231
Summary: Kurt and Blaine have been planning to go to OSU since practically the beginning of their relationship, only Blaine has realised that might not be where he wants to go. Now he just has to find the right time to tell Kurt. But is there ever a right time?


_Author's Note: I wrote this for the beyond_dapper fic exchange over on livejournal. My recipient was djgulia, whose original prompt went like this: **Assuming the boys are both seniors, they planned on going to OSU together (No dreams of NY), but Blaine ruins those plans by saying he wants to go to Michigan. Hell from the Hudmels ensues.**_

__I think writing this made me realise how quickly I slip into angst, which I know the prompter didn't want, so I had to do a lot of re-writing. It's made me write situations I never have before, so I tip my hat to them for making me do that. :D Title from the wonderful No Light, No Light by Florence+The Machine.__

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><p><em>It's A Conversation I Just Can't Have Tonight<em>

He had never intended for it to turn out like this. He had just picked up a prospectus in the library one day, thinking the photo on the front looked interesting. He hadn't considered the University of Michigan before because, well, he'd never considered _any _college except Ohio State. It was his and Kurt's college, the place they were destined to go to and spend the next four years of their lives together in. It was their plan and their future. Blaine had never meant to change that.

They wouldn't be lucky enough to get a room together, but they were going to sneak into each other's every night anyway. They were going to eat together, study together, party together, everything. It was four years full of Kurt that Blaine had always been impatient to begin. Now, though, he wasn't sure. It wasn't to do with Kurt at all – it was him all over.

He'd intended to tell Kurt right from the beginning, but things kept getting in the way. There was the time he tried to say it over coffee and just as he was about to speak he gesticulated a bit too enthusiastically due to nerves and ended up spilling his hot drink all across his boyfriend. After that, he'd tried it while they were lying on Kurt's bed doing homework together. He'd nicely worked them around to the college topic, but then Kurt had been talking about all the societies he'd looked up for Blaine to join at OSU and his eyes had been that bright blue colour that Blaine was just too in love with. He couldn't tell him then.

Every time he tried to say it in the car, a song came on that Kurt just _had_to sing to. One time he nearly said it over the Hummels' dinner table, but the inevitable awkwardness that would ensue made him put a forkful of food in his mouth instead. He tried to say it when they were alone: Kurt kissed him. He thought he'd try it when they once had an empty house and were able to shower together: Kurt gave him a blowjob. (And really, how was he supposed to talk over that?)

So he had tried. He'd kept trying, over and over again, never quite managing it, until eventually it had reached a point where telling him was becoming more of a problem than Kurt not knowing. He'd kept it in for so long that it was never going to be a good time to tell him, but he had to and it was building up inside him, the guilt gnawing at him.

Kurt pushed into Blaine again, moaning against his boyfriend's neck. Blaine gripped his fingers into Kurt's back and gasped at the sensation, but his mind wasn't fully focused. He kept drifting back to the prospectus he'd picked up at the library months ago, the one for the university he'd never even considered. He needed to tell Kurt about the nearly complete application sitting in his desk drawer. He needed to just get the words out this time. Kurt's hips were still snapping back and forth as he worked himself in and out of Blaine, but the other boy was only half feeling it.

"Kurt," he said.

Kurt hummed above him, picking up speed. He tilted his head and kissed the other boy's neck. "_Yes_, Blaine, fuck."

"Kurt," Blaine repeated, more urgently this time, trying to get the boy's attention. Kurt misinterpreted him and just lifted himself up, pulling Blaine's hips higher and fucking deeper into him. Blaine gasped at the angle, eyelids fluttering. For a minute he was lost in the feel of Kurt inside him, the boy's fingers gripping his skin and the smell of sex.

Kurt moaned loudly again and Blaine's mind snapped back.

"I want to go to Michigan!"

Kurt's hips stuttered and he paused, staring down at the other boy. He looked completely baffled. "What?" He crawled forwards again, resting his elbows either side of Blaine's head, hips rocking a tiny bit in and out of the other boy.

"I…" Blaine looked up at Kurt's concerned but still incredibly turned on expression. "I want to go to the University of Michigan."

Kurt stopped moving entirely and just stared at him. His confusion was steadily sinking into anger. "You…you _what_?"

"I just fell in love with it the moment I saw the prospectus. I kept reading up on it and, Kurt, it just feels right. I think I'd be really happy there."

"What about Ohio State? What about our plans?"

Kurt hadn't moved, so he was still buried inside Blaine. The other boy tried to wriggle out from under him, looking distressed by the hurt in his boyfriend's eyes, but Kurt grabbed Blaine's wrists, holding them above his head, and thrust into him hard. Blaine let out an involuntary moan.

"You're just going to give up on everything we've decided?" Kurt asked with another harsh thrust.

"Kurt, no, I – _ah_…" His head snapped to the side as Kurt started to fuck him again, hard this time and so deep. His arms were pinned above his head by Kurt's firm grip on his wrists and Blaine never thought he was one for power play but _fuck_. "Kurt," he tried again, "I'm still applying to OSU. I don't – fuck – I don't even know if I'll get into Michigan but I really, re-_ah_-lly want to try."

"So, what?" Kurt said with a vindictively hard thrust. "You're going to swan off to Ann Arbor or wherever and leave me here?"

"Don't say it like that," Blaine whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut as Kurt hit his prostate. "It wouldn't be like that."

"What will it be like, then? Were you going to break up with me?" He sank his teeth into Blaine's neck, sucking hard, trying to leave a mark.

"You know I'd never do that," Blaine retorted, anger seeping into his tone. For the first time he bucked his hips back to meet Kurt's thrust into him. Kurt released his skin, now stained with red, and growled against his neck.

"Well, I can't see what else you were planning on doing."

Blaine stopped struggling against the other boy and just sank back into the bed as Kurt continued to fuck him. "We love each other, Kurt. If anyone can do long distance, we can, and you know that. In fact, it's only a few hours drive. It's not even that long distance." He lifted a leg and hooked it around Kurt's back, pulling him deeper and making Blaine keen. He kept pushing Kurt into that spot for a minute, then spoke again, voice shaky. "But it's not about us, Kurt. I love you more than anything, but it has nothing to do with that. Michigan's the college I want to go to and that is totally to do with me."

Blaine felt Kurt sigh against his skin. The other boy lifted his head, looking into Blaine's eyes with a frown across his forehead. "You'll resent me if I try to stop you."

"I—"

"Don't say you won't. You won't want to, but you will." Kurt closed his eyes and let out a low moan, hips moving erratically. Blaine looked up at him in surprise – because of how calm his words had been, Blaine hadn't realised Kurt was close. He tried to pull his hands free so he could stroke his cock, come with Kurt, but the grip of Kurt's hands only tightened. His eyes snapped open. "No," he whispered.

"Kurt, please." Blaine squirmed, so close but unable to do anything.

"No," Kurt repeated before his hips stuttered. He threw his head back, stilling inside the other boy. "Fuck, Blaine," he choked out as he came.

Blaine whined as he felt Kurt's cock twitch inside him. Fuck, he needed to come.

Kurt collapsed onto him, breathing heavily. His hands still held Blaine's wrists. After a few moments of revelling in the haze of his orgasm he slipped from the other boy.

"Don't move," he said, lips brushing against Blaine's chest as he spoke. He released his boyfriend's wrists to dispose of the condom before sitting on the edge of the bed. Blaine kept his body as it was, feeling immeasurably guilty and still so, so desperate for release. He watched Kurt rest his chin on his hands, elbows propped on his knees.

"Kurt."

The other boy didn't react. Blaine lowered his arms to his sides and sat up.

"I told you not to move," Kurt said and Blaine could hear that he had intended to sound sharp, but just came across tired.

"Kurt, please, you have to understand that I need to do this. I can't just give up on something I really care about."

"I know." His voice was soft and he turned to Blaine with large, distressed eyes. "I understand. I just…I need time to think about this."

"Okay," Blaine said, breaking out into a smile. "Thank you." He surged forwards and wrapped his arms around Kurt's neck, kissing his cheek. "Now, um…" He pulled back, glancing down at his still hard cock, then back up at Kurt with a glint in his eyes. "Would you?"

Kurt stood up and began to pull his clothes on. "I get it, Blaine, but I'm still angry with you. I'm going home. You can deal with it yourself."

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><p>"Hey, Blaine, can I talk to you for a minute?"<p>

Blaine shut his locker and turned to look up at Finn, who was hovering behind him looking even more awkward than usual. "Sure," he said with a tired voice. He hadn't spoken to Kurt since the other boy left his house the evening before, leaving Blaine to 'take care of himself' with a sense of unease in his chest. He fell into step with the other boy, hiking his bag further up his shoulder.

"You and Kurt had a fight last night."

"It wasn't a fight," he said, trying not to blush as he remembered the details of the night before. "I mean…I guess it was a fight." Blaine frowned at his shoes. "I don't know." He let out a sigh and looked up at Finn again. "Why?"

"Well, Kurt was pretty upset, but he didn't seem to want to tell me about it. I'm just worried, you know, because I care about him. I care about both of you, actually, and you guys have this awesome relationship and I – I really don't want something bad to happen because of one fight."

Blaine couldn't help but smile at Finn. Sure, he wasn't sure what was happening between him and Kurt right now and the idea made him far less than happy, but the boy walking with him had just said something truly heartfelt and sweet. "Thanks, Finn. That means a lot."

"It's cool, dude," Finn replied, clapping Blaine on the shoulder. "Seriously, though, what did you guys fight about?"

"College. I…well, I really want to go to University of Michigan, but obviously Kurt and I have been planning to go to OSU for ages. I told him yesterday and he…he wasn't very happy about it."

"Wait, what? But you and Kurt have been talking about going to college together forever! You can't just change your mind now, dude."

The warning bell rang, cutting Blaine off from replying. Finn gave him a final shake of the head and dashed off to his next class, leaving Blaine staring after him. This was not working out as he had hoped.

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><p>Blaine could tell news of his decision – which wasn't even really a decision; it was just a thought and maybe a bit of hope – had spread to all of Glee Club. Mercedes had glared at him in the hallway and Rachel had turned the other way when she saw him walking towards her. Quinn had frowned but seemed overall indifferent; Puck didn't seem to care at all, which was to be expected; Mike and Tina had been pretty much in their own world, but Tina still managed to shoot him a disapproving look over the lunch table from which Kurt was conspicuously absent. Only Brittany and Santana didn't seem to be taking Kurt's side in this.<p>

"Hummel's a dick, okay? You can study where you like. It's not like he owns you," Santana said, leaning back in her chair and crossing her legs. She'd ambushed him and, with Brittany's help, dragged him to the choir room well before Glee Club was due to start. The blonde was sitting in the seat behind him, wrapping his curls around her fingers and watching Santana intently.

"Don't call him that, Santana. He's just hurt," Blaine said, closing his eyes as Brittany started to draw circles on his scalp with her fingertips. It was much more soothing than he had expected.

Santana let out a sound of derision. "He's whining. You're not joined at the hip, Blaine. You can go off and do your thing and Kurt should be able to deal with that. He needs to be mature about this and he needs to do it fast before I take him out for making you like this."

Blaine smiled, leaning his head back into Brittany's hands. The blonde shuffled forwards to speak into his ear. "I like Michigan. It sounds like a car. You'd look good in a car. Kurt can stay here and you can go driving, but when you come back you guys can make boy-babies. I think it sounds awesome."

"Thanks, Britt."

Brittany grinned and sat back in her chair. Santana tried to suppress her smile. "Talk to him again. If you tell him how much you want it, he'll probably get it. It makes me sick to watch sometimes, but Hummel really loves you. He won't just throw that away."

"I don't know," Blaine said, blinking to pretend he wasn't close to tears, "Kurt can do things he doesn't mean when he's angry. He's not the most rational person when he feels passionately about something."

"There's a difference between saying bitchy things and leaving you hard, and breaking up with you, Blaine. He's not stupid."

Blaine was about to reply when the door to the choir room opened and the rest of the Glee Club poured in. Most of them took their seats as Mercedes and Kurt trailed in behind them. Kurt was clutching the strap of his messenger bag with both hands and looking at the floor as Mercedes finished whatever she had been saying to him. He lifted his eyes and caught sight of Blaine flanked by the two Cheerios. Blaine knew Kurt could see the sheen of tears in his eyes and looked away. He expected Kurt to sit on the other side of the room with Mercedes, but a pair of knee-high boots stopped in front of his chair. He looked up to find Kurt paused, trying to decide what to do. The other boy bit his lip and at last took the seat on the other side of Blaine from Santana. The Cheerio smirked, discreetly patted Blaine's arm and reached behind his chair to link her pinkie with Brittany's.

Blaine turned his head to look at the other boy, who was staring resolutely at the piano. Kurt shifted, uncrossing his legs and crossing them the other way. Blaine leaned towards him a little and spoke softly to him. "Kurt, can we please talk about this?"

Kurt flinched and brought up an arm to wrap across his torso. He nodded. "Later."

Blaine let out a breath in relief and sat back in his chair. He would just do what Santana had said: explain to Kurt how much he really wanted to this. The other boy would understand.

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><p>They followed the rest of the Glee Club into the parking lot in silence. Finn looked back at them, then turned to Puck and loudly announced he was going over to play Halo. When they stepped out of the McKinley doors, Kurt turned to the other boy.<p>

"Follow me home?"

Blaine smiled at him, hope all over his features. "Yeah."

He pulled his car in behind Kurt's when they reached the other boy's house and hopped out, getting to the door just as his boyfriend unlocked it. Kurt called out to his dad and Carole, who had taken their afternoon off together that day. Their voices rang out from the living room and Blaine trailed after Kurt as he went to them. Burt's smile faltered when he saw his son's boyfriend and Blaine knew, without having to be told, that the man had heard all about the college issue.

"You didn't tell me Blaine was coming over, Kurt."

His son shrugged. "We have things to talk about."

Carole pulled herself out of Burt's arms to cross the room and tug Blaine to her, wrapping him up in a hug. "I haven't seen you in a while, sweetie. You need to come over for dinner more often."

Blaine smiled and hugged her in return. He wasn't expecting the whisper in his ear from the woman.

"You do what you want, Blaine. College choice is your thing, okay?" She patted his hair and pulled away.

Blaine smiled gratefully at her as she released him, then turned to his boyfriend. Kurt nodded and took his hand, pulling Blaine after him as he climbed the stairs. Blaine was slightly shocked by the physical contact, but he was glad Kurt wasn't avoiding him the way he'd expected. This had to mean that Kurt was at least feeling a little less upset than he had been the day before.

Kurt gestured for Blaine to sit in his bed and pulled up a chair opposite him. Blaine looked at Kurt's outfit for that day, which looked somewhat less fabulous than was normal for the boy. He knew that was bad and he felt even more guilty for having caused that.

Kurt's eyes lifted to his slowly and he let out a sigh. "So are you really decided on this?"

Blaine swiped the palm of his hand over his mouth before resting his head in his hands. "I don't know," he said to his knees. "I know that it's what I want, but I don't want it to destroy our relationship, you know?"

"Yeah, I understand." Kurt's voice sounded tired, as if he were giving in. "Just...Blaine, please don't be self-sacrificing for me, okay? I...I know that yesterday I wasn't exactly encouraging about this idea, but it was just a shock, you know? I mean, you told me while we were having sex. That's not exactly my most coherent moment."

Blaine laughed slightly and lifted his head. "I'm so sorry about that. I don't know what came over me. I'd just been keeping it inside for so long, ever since I saw the brochure in the library months ago. I've written almost my whole application and I've decided which campus I want to go to and I've done all these things, I've been thinking about it for so long, but I hadn't told you. I kept trying to find the right time, but I could never seem to get the words out. You'd get so excited over something, saying we could try it at college or making references to when we'd be together all the time and...I didn't want to ruin that for you. I'm so sorry."

Kurt reached a hand across and stroked Blaine's knee. "I know. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide something like this from me. That's my fault. I shouldn't have pushed OSU so hard."

"No, Kurt, I was totally with you on that. I would have gone and been so happy if I hadn't heard about Michigan."

"That's not what I meant. I meant that I shouldn't be the kind of boyfriend you can't tell these things to. I shouldn't be the one that gets angry at you because you're not keeping to my little plan for our lives. I shouldn't be making you feel like you can't tell me what you want just because it isn't what I want. That's not the kind of relationship I want us to be in."

"No, Kurt, I don't-"

"Yes, you do. You did. Why didn't you tell me you wanted to apply for Michigan?"

Blaine opened his mouth, but he couldn't say anything. As much as he hated to think it, Kurt was right. As many times as he told himself he'd tried, he could have told Kurt if he'd really wanted to. He hadn't said anything to the other boy because it was just not something he felt he could bring up. He had known how Kurt would react to it and he'd been - and it pained him to think it - afraid. He'd been too scared to even mention the idea.

"See?" Kurt continued, squeezing Blaine's knee. His eyes were so wide, the way Blaine knew they got when his emotions were building up inside. He looked ashamed more than anything and Blaine wanted to say he shouldn't feel that way, but he couldn't find a reason why. "I know that I was the problem, Blaine. I caused the issue. You were just you, okay? Don't feel bad about any of this."

"I...Kurt, please don't beat yourself up over this."

Kurt looked away and shrugged in a way that he tried to pass off as nonchalant, but it didn't quite work. "I'm going to feel terrible for a while. There's nothing you can really do to change that."

"Kurt..."

"It's fine. I hurt our relationship."

"No, you didn't. You may have had a part to play in this being an issue, but you didn't _hurt _us, Kurt. You didn't bring us close to breaking up or anything like that."

Kurt gave a wry smile. "I thought it might come to that, you know. Not from me, because like you said last night, I couldn't do that. I was just...I was still afraid you wouldn't want me any more. I was scared you were going to go to Michigan and find some guy who was around for you to talk to and didn't make you feel like you couldn't be who you wanted to be."

Blaine looked at his boyfriend, seeing the slump of his shoulders and turned down corners of his mouth. He sighed, reached out his hands, and dragged Kurt to him. The other boy sat heavily on the bed, but didn't stop Blaine from pulling him into his arms. Blaine rested his chin on Kurt's hair, rubbing a hand up and down his back.

"We're fine, Kurt. Trust me. I'm not going to leave you for some guy I meet in my social health class or whatever."

Kurt snorted and wrapped his arm around Blaine's stomach. "Since when were you taking social health?"

"That's not the point," Blaine said in a mock stern tone.

Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine's collar bone. "I won't get angry with you for doing what's best for you. And I'll work really hard to make our relationship work even when we can't see each other that often."

"Thank you."

"And you're right: three hours really isn't that long distance."

"Practically next door."

Kurt lifted his head and to kiss Blaine's cheek. "I've started making plans, you know. I've got all these scheduled visits and I've labeled some dates I'm sure you'll impromptu visit me on."

"How can you predict impromptu visits?"

"I know you. These are just days I...have a feeling about."

"Well," Blaine said, nudging his nose against Kurt's, "are you going to tell me what they are?"

"Oh, but that would ruin the surprise."

Blaine snorted and flopped back on the bed, lying across it sideways. Kurt lay down beside him. They stared at Kurt's ceiling for a minute, eyes trailing from corner to corner as their minds adjusted. Soon there was a shift and Kurt wormed his hand into Blaine's, clasping it tightly They were making new plans now, changing what they could when they could. Blaine was already foreseeing all the things he'd have to tell Kurt, what they'd do for communication, when they'd see each other. Kurt was thinking about how he'd keep Blaine just as in love with him: all the presents he'd send him, the letters he wanted to write - because what was romance without letters, right? They were going to do all of these things they'd never have had the chance to before. Kurt turned his head to look at Blaine, studying his profile in the silence in a way he knew he wouldn't be able to do next year - not as much as he'd once planned. He traced his eyes from forehead to chin, over the nose and into the dips around the eye. He smiled, shuffling a little closer.

"So, Britt told me to let you go driving today. I think I've just figured out what she meant."


End file.
